Magoa
by Today-Only-Happens-Once
Summary: ME3 Spoilers. In the aftermath of Priority: Rannoch, Shepard struggles to come to terms with the choices he made, and the lives he lost. Pre-established Tali-Male Shepard romance. Reaction fic. Oneshot.


**A/N: Okay. So, basically, I was super upset with how my plot for the Priority: Rannoch played out. And my Shepard would definitely have PTSD of some form after it all. I'm still grieving Tali in the it's-not-real-but-I-still-feel-the-loss kind of way that one can for fictional characters, so this piece is actually kinda close to my heart in a unique way…**

 **In case there is any confusion: this Shepard initially chose the quarians, then changed his mind and allowed the upload. Tali then committed suicide as the rest of her people died.**

 **Also, it may help to know that my psych profile is Colonist. So when it mentions "mass murder", it's referencing when he was younger and his whole colony and family were killed.**

 **First ME fanfic, so I'm pretty nervous. Tell me what you think!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect, but my obsession is bordering on the slightly concerning.**

…

 _ **Magoa: (n) a heartbreaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces**_

…

" _Error, copying code is insufficient." Legion closed the hologram in his hands. "Direct personality dissemination required."_

 _Shepard swallowed as Legion turned to him. "Shepard-Commander, our skepticism was misplaced. Thank you."_

 _Even though he knew it was coming—it was always coming—Shepard felt something in his stomach drop as the electronic hum cut off and Legion shut down and collapsed. This was the second time he'd watched his friend die. The same friend, under his protection, that he didn't have the ability to save._

 _Suddenly, Shepard could hear Captain Kar'Danna announcing the number of hull breaches, then pleading for assistance, and he wanted to curse under his breath. Demand that they turn around, get the fleet out of the way. But they wouldn't listen. They never listened. Shepard had spent a long time trying to believe the good in everyone. Even after he witnessed the mass murder when he was young, he thought that was a freak thing. The biggest reason he joined the Alliance was because he felt like he needed to believe there was still good worth fighting for._

 _But this war had changed that. Shepard desperately wished that once—just once —they would simply do what he told them._

 _He could see the debris, the lives, falling from the sky in a hailstorm of devastation. Shepard clenched his jaw._

" _Escape pods not responding. All hands, prepare for impact."_

 _Shepard looked over his shoulder, seeing Tali turn to him. She had her mask off. It had been too long since he'd last seen Tali's face. He'd almost forgotten how beautiful she was._

" _I'm sorry."_

 _It was the briefest second. The split moment when Shepard didn't realize that Tali was the one that said it, not himself._

 _He spun around, sprinting to her as she stretched out her arms. And suddenly, time slowed down. Shepard wasn't sure if he was listening to his own heartbeat or Tali's but it was faster than his feet could move._

"Tali, no!"

Shepard jolts awake with a gasp, the shout dying on his tongue. He sits up, pushing the blanket off of him as he leans his head into his slightly shaking hands.

"Commander Shepard," EDI's voice chimes, and he sighs. "I heard sounds of distress coming from your cabin. Are you all right?"

Shepard takes a deep, steadying breath. "Yeah," he says quietly. Monotone. He tries to ignore the way his heart still feels like it's falling. He tries to not think about how he feels like the floor might give out beneath him.

"Would you like me to contact someone for you?"

 _Tali_ , Shepard wants to say. "I'm fine, EDI. Thanks."

EDI doesn't reply, but he hears a quiet click and knows that she's disconnected. Shepard suddenly feels abruptly alone. He lost Legion twice. Tali, and all of her people. Just when Tali had made it to her home world…

Alexander Shepard had never been in the habit of second guessing his decisions. Whether or not he wished the outcome could have been different, he'd always adopted the ideology that he made the best decision he could have with the information he was given.

This time… this time he wasn't so sure.

 _Why the hell couldn't that fleet have just pulled back?_ Shepard demands to the open. It would have saved so many. So many lives. But were the quarians really to blame? Hadn't he known how the quarians would act, given their history with the geth?

Shepard sighs again, running a hand over his eyes. Because that wasn't fair either. Is that what he based his decision on? The quarians' past treatment of the geth? Did that give him any right to keep them from having a future?

The commander releases a quiet, choked laugh. The whole thing was so messed up.

 _I love you_ , she had told him. She had trusted him so completely. She always had. And what had he done? He'd chosen the geth, synthetics, over her own people. A people with a full and developed culture. A people with friends, families.

Did their mistreatment of one group of life—if geth even _are_ life—really justify their extinction?

The question hits him like a blow to the gut. He feels his stomach lurch and he runs to the bathroom, reaching it only moments before bile surges up his throat.

He just mandated the extinction of an entire species. The very species of the one he loved. The one who trusted him enough to put herself in danger for him again and again, both in battle and just to be _with_ him…

He made Tali _watch_ as her people were annihilated because of his choice. His decision to let all of the quarians die.

He did that to her.

 _I love you_.

 _Keelah se'lai._

 _I'm sorry._

 _Tali, no!_

"Shepard?"

The commander is pulled out of his thoughts with an almost sudden force at the sound of Garrus behind him, standing in the doorway to the bathroom. Shepard stands up and flushes the toilet before walking over to the sink.

"Garrus," he says, clearing his throat. "Uh, what can I do for you?"

Garrus leans against the edge of the door as the commander splashes water on his face and turns the faucet off. "EDI said she thought I should stop in."

Shepard sighs. "I'm alright." He pushes past Garrus and walks out of the bathroom. "Just had a bad dream."

Garrus is giving him a knowing look. "You couldn't have saved her, Shepard. You tried. You know you did."

For some reason, Garrus always had been able to read him better than most. Shepard crosses his arms over his chest and leans against the wall, looking at the empty fish tank. "I could have saved her. I could have saved her entire people."

"And what? Let all the geth go extinct?" Garrus shakes his head. "You were dealt an impossible hand. There was no good answer."

Shepard casts a glance at Garrus before adverting his gaze again. "The quarians had an entire culture. You were there when Tali told us what "keelah se'lai" means… and she was standing there when I made her watch her entire race burn. There are no crimes that could make them worthy of that. The geth… the geth are brand new. I don't even know for sure I can trust them. And I sacrificed one species for another without being a part of either. It wasn't right… I don't…" Something catches in Shepard's voice and he takes a moment to clear his throat. "I don't think I can ever make that choice again."

Garrus sighs, stepping closer to the commander. "I've never been religious, Shepard. But I talked to Thane a few times while he was on board. And… well, if there _is_ something greater after this, I think it makes sense that it would be more of a "home" than a planet they haven't stayed on in years."

Neither one of them says anything for a long time. Shepard's shoulders sag just a little as he leans more of his weight against the wall. "She's _gone_ , Garrus."

Shepard feels Garrus place a hand on his shoulder. "I know, Shepard. I know."

.

 **Please review! Keelah se'lai.**


End file.
